Surprise! Apple finally announces handheld device

In a surprise move this morning, Apple, Inc., CEO Steve Jobs took over televisions worldwide – interrupting beloved game shows and soap operas – to reveal the company’s long-rumored netbook entry. Jobs introduced Greg Joswiak, Vice President of iPhone and iPod Marketing, to detail the new product, “A revolution never before seen.”

With a silly grin on his face, Joswiak discussed the device’s 7-inch monochrome LCD display with Multi-Touch™ technology and slide-out back-lit keyboard encased in green translucent polycarbonate. The device weighs 2.7 pounds and is said to run on Intel’s new Light Peak™ processors.

Breaking with long-standing Apple naming conventions, the new device is called eMate 2550. Joswiak explained, “We wanted to resurrect the Newton family. With so many Newton freaks still around, we should sell millions!”

Joswiak demonstrated the eMate’s built-in word processor and solitaire game. He also showed iTunes and blew the single two-bit speaker with a Grandmaster Flash sample. Joswiak noted the device has cellular features, but does not include wi-fi.

Battery life is expected to be 15 hours for word processing, 5 hours for music, and one hour for listening to music while typing and “talking to your mother at the same time.” The cellular side is again an exclusive tie-in, this time to Alltel. When reminded that Verizon bought Alltel, he said, “Well, that may delay things. They didn’t want iPhone, so we don’t want them.”

Jobs’ face was a dark shade of red as he rushed out of the room dragging senior VPs Phil Schiller and Scott Forstall behind him. Smiling, Joswiak stated, “No worries. They’re just getting back to work.” On his way off the stage, Joswiak chuckled and said the limited initial quantities of the eMate were immediately available “somewhere down the hall – if Steve doesn’t find them first.”

Forstall to be the next Steve Jobs?

Rumors gained new fodder yesterday that Scott Forstall, Senior Vice President of iPhone Software at Apple, Inc., may be jockeying for a future shot at the CEO role.

Yesterday text messages lit up iPhones at lunch time when Forstall was seen going to lunch with someone who looked like Michael Dell, founder of rival Dell Computers and historically blatant Jobsian copycat. One source ate at the same café as Forstall and saw him eating a clearly vegan meal and taking copious notes. This source overheard talk about years of following Jobs’ every move. “I never got a clear look at him, but this guy looked like Dell,” the source stated. “I also heard him lament how much easier it is to quietly stalk someone in an age of Twitter and Facebook than when he was active in the field.”

Previously, Forstall has been seen wearing black shirts and jeans every day at work. Colleagues have also described often seeing Forstall gesturing and talking – as if to an audience – even when no one’s around. Forstall reportedly is trying to thin his newly cut hair to match the company’s iconic founder. One unnamed source claims that Forstall is trying to grow some facial hair, but no evidence of this has been documented.

Rumblings within One Infinite Loop note that division employees, including Greg Joswiak, Vice President of iPhone and iPod Marketing, have been bowing to Forstall when in his presence and are not allowed to speak unless first spoken to.

While Apple has not made succession plans public, sources have been discussing Forstall’s moves and worthiness, even as the topic becomes less pressing with Jobs’ health no longer in question.

Steve Jobs was said to be seen crouching behind a tree near Forstall’s parking space holding what looked like a baseball bat. Phone calls to Jobs’ office were not yet returned as of press time. Forstall’s office said he was not available for comment.